5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
