im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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