my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
