and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
