Can i not drive my cunt home
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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