I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
