i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
