I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm getting married
To pizza
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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