I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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