My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
