I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
