Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
