Someone shit on the floor
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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