heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
