Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
