The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
