ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
