does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
They took my balls.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
