It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
