why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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