I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Found the puke drawer
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
