Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
