Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
