Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize