I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
