Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
