somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
