Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The beers last night were like the tears from god
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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