Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
