one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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