also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He felt like a one man threesome
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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