After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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