Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
