You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
