Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
