broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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