I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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