I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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