You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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