Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
