so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
