you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
