how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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