i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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