Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
