How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
