Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i permit you to call me
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
