my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
