I'm gonna have a badass scar
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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