he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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