my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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