I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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