Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just invented taco cereal.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
