Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
