On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize