So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
