have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
